Sunday Funnies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all









A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!!!

@>`~~~~>,~~
Bet you didn't know this:
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.




There was a man that had to go on a business trip in another country, so
he asked his friend if he could take care of his pet ape while he was away.
His friend agreed, and the man proceeded to give him spacific directions.

The man led his friend to a bookcase in his study. He tilted one of the
books on the shelf, and the bookcase creeked open. There was a huge
steel door with 12 locks. The man showed his friend how to unlock the door,
and then they proceeded down a long, dark staircase, lit only by candles.
At the bottom of the stairs, there was another huge steel door with 12
locks.
The man showed his friend how to unlock this door as well.
The door opened into a huge room, completely empty except for a large
cage in the center of the room.
The man led his friend to this cage, and inside sat a small, furry,
purple ball. "This is my purple ape" the man said proudly. "To feed and water
him, you need only to pull out the drawer in the bottom of the cage, and
deposit the food and water there.... Whatever you do... don't touch him!!" The
man's friend thought this somewhat bizzare, but agreed, and asured the man
that everything would be fine. The next day, the friend went to the house,
pulled one the book, unlocked the 12 locks, went down the stairs, unlocked the
12 locks on the second door, and entered the room.
He went to the cage, opened the drawer, deposited the food and water,
closed the drawer, and began to walk away. He stopped about half way across the
room, and thought to himself, "I wonder what happens when you touch
him?"
He turned, walked back to the cage, and reached in, touching the small
purple ball. The ball began to twitch, and then tremble. Suddenly, the
small purple ball grew into a huge purple ape, that was foaming at the mouth,
growling, and snarling. The friend was instantly terrified, and began to
run away. Just as he reached the door, he heard the ape tearing through the
bars of the cage. He slamed the door shut, and ran up the stairs. When he got
to the top, he heard the ape busting through the door, and coming after
him. He slammed the second door, and closed the bookcase. "This thing really
wants to kill me," he thought, as he ran out of the house. As he got into his
cab in front of the house, he saw the purple ape breaking out of the front
door, drooling, and bearing his teeth. "Drive as fast as you can!" he yelled
to the cab driver as the car sped away. They drove for almost a hour, but
every time the man turned around, the ape was behind them. "Take me to the
airport, I'll bet he can't fly" the man said. They reached the airport,
and the man boarded a small passenger plane, took off, and felt safe.
But, when he looked down, he could see the ape running directly after
him. "Fly over that huge lake, I'll bet he can't swim" the man directed to
the pilot, and over the water they flew. The man looked down, and sure
enough, below him, the purple ape swam.
Just then, the plane began to spit and sputter, and the pilot handed him
a parachute. "we have to bail" the pilot said. So they jumped from the
plane.The pilot's parachute opened, and he drifted safely to the ground.
The man's parachut, however, did not open. He fell straight into the
water.As he came up for air, he remembered the purple ape, and began to panic.
He could hear the beast writhing behing him as he swam for his life. He
reached a huge cliff along the bank and began to climb, all the while hearing
the ape pursuing him to kill him. He reached the top, and began to run. Just
then, his foot got caught on a vine and he fell, breaking his leg. That
was the end, he couldn't run with a broken leg. He decided to eccept that
his time had come. As the purple ape rushed up on him, he began to prey to
the heavens that all his sins be forgiven. Just then, the ape reached out,
gently touched the man's arm, and said....
"TAG... You're it!!!"


I remember when I got married.
I remember where I got married.
But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young
wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart, " she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I
cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to
season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she
sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new
cat tomorrow."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Waking up after a restless night, Anni turned to her husband Sam and
frowned.
"I can't believe it! All night long you kept cursing me in your sleep!"
Sam replied, "Who was sleeping
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Client: Excuse Me, Can I be served please?

Menu Support Representative (MSR): Hi, my name is William, and I'll be
your Menu Support Representative. What seems to be the problem?
Client: There's a fly in my soup!
MSR: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Client: No, it's still there.
MSR: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork
instead.
Client: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
MSR: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are
you using?
Client: A SOUP bowl!
MSR: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was
the bowl set up?
Client: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
MSR: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Client: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
MSR: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Client: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
MSR: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Client: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
MSR: The current Soup of the Day is Tomato.
Client: Fine. Bring me the Tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
[MSR leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
MSR: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Client: This is Potato soup.
MSR: Yes, the Tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Client: Well, I'm so hungry now I'll eat anything.
[The Menu Support Representative leaves.]
Client: Sir! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $ 2.50
Undocumented Feature (bug X 2). . . $ 6.00
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $ 1.00
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ______
Total . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $14.50


Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here," he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does". And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed,
"Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well, Michael. As you wish...look through the gates."
He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course
that it made him sick to his stomach.
"Forget it! There is no way I'm going to spend eternity playing on that
course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate.
"Come over here and see what I have to offer."
Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most
absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil
and says,
"Yeah....I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said,
"I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared
with laughter. "Oh that........ there aren't any."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail
Road.
He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a
problem rider. Today was one of those days.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his
ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler, sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Several women from church were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who had
been ill for a very long time.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep
you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do
my own praying."



It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.
I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was
more than ample room in the back.
Then.......the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful,
smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid
people stay up front."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the
jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?"
And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You can be sure there are no cannibals
in Africa."~
And the tourist says, "But there may be still some cannibals."
And the tourist guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one last
Monday."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
My name, Leone, is a feminine spelling of Leon, which often causes
confusion. When my car registration arrived marked "M" for male, I sent
it back to the motor-vehicle bureau with this request:
"I am an 'F.' Would you please make the correction?"
The bureau promptly sent me another form. It read:
"Please give the reason for this change."

Filed Under Just Wierd

I recieved this from a friend of mine in the form of an email.
I decided to share it here. Have fun or just scratch your head.

1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.
4) George W Bush has 11 letters.
5) The two twin towers make an "11"
This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number
11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers.
6+5 = 11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.
9 + 1 + 1 = 11.
Sheer coincidence..?!

Read on and make up your own mind:
1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. >2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.
Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.
3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.
Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
Now this is where things get totally eerie:
The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:
"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."
That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.
Still uncovinced about all of this..?!

Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following(TRY THIS FOR REAL)

1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first
plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.

2. Highlight the Q33 NY

3. Change the font size to 48.

4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS 1
scary huh??

Saturday's Early Edition

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study
of 'obsessive-compulsi ve disorder'.
They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day
after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing
convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned
a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her
eyes.
"I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A man and wife were both in an Internet Business, but it was the husband
who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized
how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said
"No, not there. Scroll down a little."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Working as a computer instructor for an adult education program at a
community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in the computer
knowledge between my younger and older students. This was confirmed the
day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the
encyclopaedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. "What are all these
books?" he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were
encyclopaedias. His response told it all. "Really?" he said, "Someone
printed out the whole thing?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She
seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up
just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle
bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine,"
she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if
that dog hadn't honked..."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous thing I see is
a sign that reads:
"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER. "
So I call and say, "I have an ace and a six, the dealer
has a seven... What do I do?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A Sunday-school teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before
meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that
church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does
you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
And Jerry answered, "He says 'Go easy on the butter, kids -- it's forty
cents a pound!'"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning
and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no
response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The
dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?"
No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you
talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!"


Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper
was being cross-examined on the witness stand.
The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and
blue lights flashing?"
"Yes, sir, they were."
"Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
"Yes, sir, she did."
"And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?"
"She said, 'What disco am I at?'"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A young (blonde) bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket.
Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The
store manager noticed this and went over to her.
"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.
"I's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."
"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"
"Scratch," she replied.
"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"
"No silly," she replied brightly. "My her husband told me that
his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The Wal-Mart Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart
.....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?...... .. Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's
permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that
we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way,
he passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display in the
window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The
point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store
because he'll get verse before he gets butter!" (
~~< * >~

Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I
came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that
puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents. I finally
realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed
to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our
company's most momentous pieces of freight. The description read,
"Instructions for the Assembly of God."
~~< * >~
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a
break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother
picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a
Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped
the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got
Mom! And they want money!"
~~< * >~
There were two men exploring the Andes Mountains. The first one asked
the other "What made you decide to explore these mountains?" The
second man said, "My daughter started taking trumpet lessons. I
wanted to get as far away as I could, so I didn't have to listen to
her until after she mastered the instrument!"

More Of The Same Stupid Gone To Seed

More of the Same from the loonies, or whatever you feel like calling them. I don't know about the rest of the folks in this country. Enough is Enough.

Jimmah was a failure as a president. His forgien and domestic policies nearly brought this nation to its knees. Does anyone recall how high inflations was? Or was the majority of this country so high they dont remember the day? Carter is a yellow spined coward that has always I repeat always embraced every thug and tyrant that he could find.He was voted out of offices as I recall because he is/was lame ass idiot.
As for Oliver Stone. Well bud pack ya bags and freakin move. No one is keeping you here. My pledge to you is that your movies will never be seen in my home again if I can help it.


Then of course the hijacking of oil and prices. Oh and this leads straight back to the crap that Carter singed into law in his day. Try reading history and his ex orders and laws under his admin. By the way Cnn has ran stories all day of how dire it will be if we don't use Citgo Gas. Guess ole Teddy Turner is freaking for some reason.


Opec anger as Venezuela and Nigeria cut oil output
By Carola Hoyos in London
Published: September 29 2006 19:02 Last updated: September 29 2006 19:02
Venezuela and Nigeria, both members of the Opec oil cartel, yesterday announced that they would reduce their oil production by as much as 200,000 barrels a day to shore up prices.
Several other key members of the Organisation of the Petroleum Exporting Countries were said to be furious about the unilateral decision.
Nevertheless, data due to be released in the next few weeks are expected to show those other members, which include Saudi Arabia, Iran, Kuwait and the United Arab Emirates, are also reducing output but keeping quiet about the measure.
MoreOnScrewingTheUS


Ex-Prez Carter: Bush has brought U.S. "international disgrace"
RENO, Nev. Former President Carter is urging northern Nevadans to elect his son, Jack, to the Senate to help combat a Bush administration he says has brought "international disgrace" to the country.Garbage_Found_Here

Stone: Bush has set U.S. back 10 years

By CIARAN GILES, Associated Press Writer Thu Sep 28, 10:12 PM ET
SAN SEBASTIAN, Spain - Filmmaker
By CIARAN GILES, Associated Press Writer
Thu Sep 28, 10:12 PM ET
SAN SEBASTIAN, Spain - Filmmaker Oliver Stone blasted President Bush Thursday, saying he has "set America back 10 years." Stone added that he is "ashamed for my country" over the war in Iraq and the U.S. policies in response to the attacks of Sept. 11.
MindNumbingBullshitHere

Redneck Friday

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

{Liberal Think Tank.}

@>`~~~~>,~~
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing
what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling
later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering
his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the
best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me
splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next
day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.
When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his
dilemma to Gepetto.

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually,
he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth"
out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously
thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed
that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple
weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the
hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying
all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked,
"So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls,
eh?"

Pinocchio replied: "Girls? Who needs girls?!?!?!? !?!?!?"
@>`~~~~>,~~
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home
and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She
also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a
night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy
went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to
soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to
the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would
like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves
it."

Mr. and Mrs. Jones come before the judge for their divorce
hearing. The judge says,
"What are the grounds?"
Mrs. Jones says,
"Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then
forced me to sing, "The Way We Were", while he peed all over me."
The judge says,
"My God, that's horrible."
She says,
"Yeah, he KNOWS how much I hate that fuckin' song!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's
new secretaries.
"I just don't get it" said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on
upstairs.
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor
he's getting off on."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A detective on the force who spent his entire career in plain clothes,
retired from the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the
farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why did you decide on carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, .
"I'm very fond of undercover crops."
@>`~~~~>,~~~--
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh, any luck killing any?" she asked.
"Yep.... 3 males, and 2 females so far," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "Now how the heck can you tell which were which?"
He responded, "3 were on a tv remote, 2 were on the phone."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our
insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote:
"Can't stand to cook."



"A friend of mine has a car phone and he has an answering machine for it. The message is, 'Hi, I'm home right now, so I can't come to the phone. If you leave your name and number, I'll call you when I'm out'" - Steven Wright

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

@>`~~~~>,~~
These three guys (two younger and one older) always go golfing together every Sunday morning. They're just about to get up on the tee when the club pro walks up and tells them that there's a woman who is golfing by herself and he asks if they would mind if she played along with them. They thought about it and reluctantly said "Sure, no problem." They were hoping the woman wouldn't slow up their game but once they start playing they soon realize that she is a hell of a golfer. Better, in fact, than each of them. Not only that, she's extremely attractive as well. They get to the 18th tee and she is one under par. They are all on the green and she has a 20 footer for par. She tells the three men, "You guys have been gentlemen through the whole round by letting me play and not giving me a hard time because I'm the only woman. This is the first time I'll ever break par and to show my appreciation, whichever one of you can show me the right line to make this putt, I'll give you a blow job." The first young guy looks real hard and says, "I think it's left edge." The second young guy looks even harder and says, "No, I think it's right edge." The older guy walks over and picks up the ball, tosses it to the woman and says, "It's a gimmie."


Weird Fact of the Day:
Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.
@>`~~~~>,~~
A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a
friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his
fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed
earlier in the church, as she came through the door.

His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the
bar from him.

He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After
pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned
body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she
wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get
to, like, know each other better."

She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm
afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric
aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation. "

He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of
embarassed silence, he finally admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!"

"Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving
him standing there in puzzlement.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Little Johnny went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His
teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or
her name.
When she got to Johnny he said, "My name is Little Johnny, but they call
me 'Bonnie' and that pisses me off."
Sensing some anger she said to Little Johnny, "This is kindergarten
Johnny, we don't talk like that." Then she went around and asked
everyone his or her address.
When she got to Little Johnny he said, "I live on Third Street but they
call it 'Terd Street' and that really pisses me off."
She said, "Little Johnny I want you to meet me after class at my desk."
"Yes ma'am." Little Johnny said. So he meets her at the desk.
The teacher says, "You seem like a smart little boy can you tell me what
this means?" Then she pulls up her dress.
He says, "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too
little and that really pisses me off."


A man walked into the bar. As he waited for his drink, he noticed a
gorgeous young Indian girl sipping a soft drink at the other end of the
bar. He told the bartender to give her a real drink. The bartender
replied, "I can't. The C.P. would be on my ass."

"What's the C.P.?"

"City Police."

The man finished his drink and ordered another. Again, he
asked the bartender to give the Indian girl a real drink,
but this time the bartender said, "I can't. The S.P. would
shut me down."

"What's the S.P.?"

"State Police."

Just then the Indian girl got up an walked out of the bar.
The man hurried out after her. An hour later, he staggered
back into the bar, his clothes covered with blood, his nose broken.

"The F.B.I. got me!" the man moaned.

"What do you mean the F.B.I?" the bartender asked.

"A Fucking Big Indian!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The SETTING : Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion.
The FINALISTS :
* Miss America
* Miss Spain
* Miss Britain
* Miss Philippines
* Miss Iran
* Miss India

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. AMERICA:Well, I would say that male organs in America are like
gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA:Because it stands every-time it sees a woman.....
(Applause!.. .. Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own
bullfight. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN :Because it charges every-time it sees an opening.
(Applause!.. . Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in
your
country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean
actors.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause!.. . Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....
(Applause!.. . Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a
labourer. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA: Because it works day and night....
(Applause!.. Applause!)

QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in
your
country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, of course, hihihihi...I can say that
male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its like, ahh like...it means
GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say
that?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy... nervous!!! Hihihihihi! Because...I
mean...because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!)
@>`~~~~>,~~
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN..... .

A goldfish and a mountain goat ?
One mucks around in fountains.

A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ?
One is used for cunning stunts.

A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ?
One shoots but can't hit.

A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ?
One sucks and sucks and never fails.

Caucus and cactus ?
One has the pricks on the outside.

A girl in church and a girl in the bath ?
One has a soul full of hope.

A war horse and a draught horse ?
One darts into the fray.

Your girlfriend and your bank account ?
Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal.

A good girl and a nice girl ?
A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but
the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.

I am beyond Pissed

A woman weeps as the bodies of people killed in a U.S. military raid were brought to Baqouba hospital Wednesday Sept. 27, 2006. Four terrorist suspects and four civilians were killed by American soldiers and airstrikes during a
Story.
I post this picture straight from Yahoo. news AP and You wanta know why? Cuz this woman looks like the multi property owner in Lebanon. This resembles the same fraud from the Reut-to-gate of late.If this isn't the same woman its her freakin' cousin. The woman is in the same damn pose with the same look on her face.

What really pisses me off is the Headlines of FamilyDisputesMilitary.
Well too freakin bad! The problem is that the bleedin' hearts have give in way to much to these freaks and their propganda machine. I am damn tired of our media getting by with this crap. If you are in the middle of a war zone and the military of any country come a callin' common sense dicatates lay down your arms or die. Well apparently they didn't disarm so they met their god. Oh and as for the four women that died whaaaaa.......
Every time we turn around someone wants to0 make up some lame ass shit and blame our soldiers for it.

Then the creeps, freaks and everyone from the freakers ball jumps on the band wagoner and again they start flaming the fires of the idiots around the world. Enough already. Its time to stop pussy footing around and turn our Military loose and finish the damn job. This is not a police action. This is a war and should be fought as such before we are fighting said war in our own damn front yards.

We already have good men charged with bull shit similar to this. We have good soldiers that went to prison for bull shit to apease who. Not the F*cking enemy. It damn well didn't make them happy. Who does it apease the left F*CKING LEFT. Well its time to stand up and tell everyone in the beltway enough is enough. Its a damn war people die. Property is destroyed.
If you asked me and you didn't and I really don't care. Any condition we leave a place in is a damn site better than before we dropped a bomb on it. Most of those wonderful places everyone talks about were less attractive than the 9th ward to begin with. Shy of a nuke nothing we have done has been as bad as the madman that was running Iraq before we arrived there.

Iva Toguri Kicked the Bucket!!!!!

The name is associated with Iva Toguri D'Aquino (born Ikuko Toguri, July 4, 1916, Los Angeles, California - died September 26, 2006, Chicago, Illinois), a United States citizen visiting relatives in Japan at the start of the war. Unable to leave Japan after the start of hostilities, she took work at the Japanese radio show The Zero Hour. After the war, she was investigated and released when the FBI and the U.S. Army's Counter Intelligence Corps found no evidence against her, influential gossip columnist Walter Winchell lobbied against her. She was brought to the U.S. where she was charged and subsequently convicted of treason.
BioHere

By the way does anyon care?

Thursday's Early Edition

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




How many are watching "Survivor Apartheid" -- I mean "Cook Islands"?

As you know, this season on "Survivor," the teams are divided
by race. The teams are white, black, Hispanic and Asian. And the
director, the producer and the writers are Jewish.

Here's my question: If Michael Jackson was on "Survivor," what
team would he be on?

Actually, the next edition of "Survivor" is going to be a really
controversial one -- "Muslims Vs. Christians, Baghdad Island."

@>`~~~~>,~~~

The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where 17 year old
bozo Adam Brown broke into the home of a 76 year old woman. Our
bozo demanded the woman's car keys and after getting them headed
for the garage. A few moments later he returned to the house to
ask her how to use the garage door opener. Not getting it to work
the first time, our bozo returned a second time to get further
instructions on just how to get that door open. The bozo finally
succeeded and was on his way...almost. The car was a standard
transmission and the bozo had never driven a standard before. He
came back into the house a third time to ask the woman how to get
the car into gear. By this time the police had been called and
our bozo was arrested as he tried to pull out of the driveway.

@>`~~~~>,~~~

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable
sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her
quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would
keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel
like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

@>`~~~~>,~~~

Have you seen these commercials for Whitman's new Weight
Watcher's chocolates? They are chocolates for people trying to
lose weight. Chocolates for people trying to lose weight? Didn't
those used to be called laxatives? Aren't they just Ex-Lax?




I will go down on you and make you extremely happy.

But only long enough to make you think it is going to get better.

Then I will come back up and screw you like no other!!

Sincerely yours,

Gas Prices
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the
experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! '
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!



A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast
when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent
a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more
than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have
to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on
which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's
no wonder He walked!"


~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A woman contracted with a celebrated portrait painter to
have her portrait done. When she arrived at his studio, she
told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a
large diamond necklace, a glimmering emerald bracelet, and
a beautiful red ruby pendant."

"But, madam, I do not see you wearing any of these things."
he commented.

"I know," she said, "But my health is failing and I'm aware
my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

When I die I'm positive he's going to marry her, and I want
the silly bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."



According to a new book called "Men, Love and Sex," 50% of women
want their men to take control in bed. The other 50% want their
men to put down the remote control in bed.

@>`~~~~>,~~~

According to a new survey by Zogby International, 70% of men say
that breast implants are not sexy. Sure! Guys are going to Hooters
for the food! Those little chicken wings are so delicious!

@>`~~~~>,~~~

They've come out with a new Tickle Me Elmo Doll that lies on its
back and kicks its legs in the air. Don't confuse this with the
Paris Hilton Doll. That's totally different!

@>`~~~~>,~~~

The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Coleman for passing along today's
story. From Santa Rosa, California comes the story of Bozo Lloyd
Jacobsen who was burglarizing a house when he was surprised by the
home's owner. As our bozo tried to make his getaway, the homeowner
yelled for him to stop. When he didn't, she grabbed his sweatshirt
and proceeded to call out for help. Our bozo quickly slipped out
of the sweatshirt and headed for the door. The homeowner then
grabbed his sweatpants and held on tight. The pants eventually
came off, too, along with his shoes. The now naked bozo then ran
to his bicycle (quite a getaway vehicle, huh?) and jumped on,
pedaling furiously down the street. In the meantime, the cops
received a call of a crazy naked guy riding a bicycle down a city
street. Officers were dispatched and spotted a bicycle leaning up
against a tree. And up in the tree was our naked bozo. The police
helped him down and arrested him.

@>`~~~~>,~~~

After a long and serious operation, Cassy ended up in a coma. Try
as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it.

When her husband Bill came into the intensive care unit to see her,
the doctors gave him the bad news. "We just can't wake her. It
doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Bill in a quiet
somber voice.

Bill looked at Cassy and with a soft trembling voice said, "But
doctor, she's so young. She's only 43."

"35," came the weak reply from Cassy.


World Best Divorce Letter
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But
that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I
never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to
me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my
pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I
don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I
don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see,
but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I
met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't
say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that
only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and
an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as
I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at
the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in
bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart
than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm
never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after
I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found
myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but
something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so
incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because
you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing
feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday
Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan
of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a
woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's
not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total
monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like
a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her
career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden,
she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' s old vanity. So
she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch
ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I
can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the
floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never
used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about
you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back
together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot
bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this
teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think
of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing,
that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness
between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting
inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of
you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you
think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away
and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan

16th Carnival of Blue Stars

She is having the 16th Carnival of Blue Stars give her a click and visit.
Please note this gets to remain on top for several days. Unless Beth asks me to move it.

Angel Food Ministries

Because I believe in Angels this stays up towards the top for seveal days also.



I have to share this with everone that wonders through here. Junebugg_posted_this
this and it's worth sharing. I talked with a friend the other night that works with the handicapped and mentally impaired. He was telling me about this organization. He told me that its really nice and they help anyone.
If you know anyone that might have need of this encourage them to contact the local organization or church that has the Angel Food Ministries.
For more details visit Junebugg.
As always pass this along to others. don't forget to visit Junebugg for a dose of life as a woman.

Just Cuz

Just cuz I am sick of politics and the b.s. that goes with it at this moment in time. Cuz blogger is pmsn' again. I have found a window of opportunity to post so...
I am posting White trash early....
Everyone have a great DAY!!!!!

I love White Trash Wed!! How 'bout Ya?

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 150 in less than 6 seconds

AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on he robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

************ ***
We had set up a hobby beehive at our family cottage, and now only
needed some bees. My aunt said she knew a woman who had a bee farm
and could supply us with them. I wondered aloud if we'd have to pay.
"Of course you will," she replied with a grin, "After all, there
are no freebies in this world."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Here are my own effective techniques for handling telemarketers.
These are NOT politically correct.

When a woman calls and asks for my husband, I start in with "You
hussy! I told that son of a b---- that he better not have his
women call here anymore. You just tell me where you are, because
I'm coming after you!"

Or if a man calls for my husband, I say, "You queer! He swore
he wasn't going to be screwing around anymore with faggots! You
better go get tested because he hasn't been using condoms!"

Invariably, people hang up. (By Margaret Connery)

@>`~~~~>,~~~
I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I
welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for
me to turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them
inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because
I don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box
shows "Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you
electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say,
"Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually
expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before
getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical
music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the
telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertisers voice,
"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next
available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music
play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids,
I've got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a
pizza so the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some
of our exciting travel packages that."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing
do you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horse shoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and
tell them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little
fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check
on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people
I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"You want to come over and throw some horse shoes?"

(click)


@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Two hundred miles off the coast of New Orleans the largest oil
reserve is believed to have been discovered. It could increase
our reserves by 50 percent and be worth over $15 billion. This
reserve could cut the price of gas by a penny!"
--Jay Leno

@>`~~~~>,~~

"Stocks plunged again Friday, suffering their worst day since 2005
and third-straight triple-digit loss for the Dow Jones Industrial
average. On the bright side, your Social Security money isn't in
there yet." --Amy Poehler

@>`~~~~>,~~

"Good news for out-of-towners. Crime in New York City is at an all
time low. The bad news is that it's our leading industry." --Dave
Letterman

@>`~~~~>,~~

"This week we're coming to you from Las Vegas. I went to "New York,
New York" last night. That place is nice. I don't care much for
the casino across the street. "Cleve- land, Cleveland". --Jay Leno

@>`~~~~>,~~

"She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint."
--Billy Connolly

@>`~~~~>,~~
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you
yell the name will carry." --Bill Cosby

@>`~~~~>,~~
Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding an
injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived at the
scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But according
to the local newspaper, the police report stated that the dog was
okay and "refused medical treatment."

My wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me
by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of
the Statue of Liberty.

"How in the world did you know that?" I asked.

Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven original
colonies!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some
toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some
assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says,
"but I don't know what type he uses."

"Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks.

"No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Knowing that my fianc?'s mother is an avid bird-watcher, I planned
an intimate get-to-know- you picnic for the three of us at Dream
Canyon in Colorado. I'd heard a rumor that nude sunbathers sometimes
frequented the place, but having been there twice and never seen
one, I tagged the location as safe. Fifteen minutes into our
picnic, our idyllic spot was overrun with nude men. Aghast, we
ate quickly, and then I ushered my future mother-in-law toward the
exit. On our way out, I spotted a native bird in a tree and said,
"Look, Mom, it's a Colorado downy woodpecker." She replied, "Well,
we've seen a lot of native Colorado peckers today, haven't we?"

After eight years of playing guitar on Times Square
sidewalks in nothing but cowboy boots, a hat and a pair
of briefs, New York City's "Naked Cowboy" is taking his
naked ambition to the next level.
He's working on a debut album as part of his plan
for "dominating the commercial landscape of the world."

The Top 5 Songs on the Naked Cowboy's Album

5> Tennessee Warts

4> These Buns Are Made for Flauntin'

3> Wind Beneath My Wang

2> Blue Ass Freezing in the Rain

and Topfive.com' s Number 1 Song on the Naked Cowboy's Album...

1> There's a Kind of Rash (All Over My Butt)

@>`~~~~>,~~~
It had been a great year. He had never had as fine a wheat crop in
all his years of farming. He was able to fill not only the large silo
but the two smaller ones as well. And he had sold his crop at a
premium price. Unfortunately, the day before the tankers were to
arrive to pick up his crop a major storm hit and the roof on the main
silo leaked. Using their powerful vacuums the workers tried to
deliver the wheat crop from the silo into the tankers but were
unsuccessful. When they asked the farmer what he wanted done, he
answered, "If at first you don't suck seed, try dryer grain


Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The
general
practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a
duck...
it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses, and the bird flies
away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks
through the pages of a bird manual, and says,

"Hmmmm. Green wings, yellow bill, quaking sounds....might be a duck." He
raises his gun to shoot, but the bird is long gone.

Then a thrid bird flies over. The surgeon raises hig gun and shoots.
Almost
without looking, he brings the bird down and turns to the patholigist
and
says,

"Go see if that was a duck."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Recently we have received credible intelligence that
there have been seven terrorists working in your office.

Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin
and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh
cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.

We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
One day a minister noticed a kitten had climbed up a tree in his back-
yard but was afraid to come down. He coaxed, offered warm milk and a few
other goodies, but the kitty just would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the minister decided that if
he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he
could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then
figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent
sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree
went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air, out of sight.
The minister, of course, felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood,
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a
stray kitten.So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and
went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church
members.He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat
food.
Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl
had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days
before,
the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl,
"Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the minister, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, you won't believe this, but I
saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky,
with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."

Do It For America (R)ated pics

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman Other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So Next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out Of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to

Prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see Nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is Further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and Applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America. It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.

Hey Wait a Second Right Now

AssortedBabble
Condi Speaks Out and Blast Clinton
If you missed this news yesterday.....The NY Post reports:




Right_Truth
Turkey-Iran to invade Iraq's Kurdistan
I can't believe this is true, Turkey and Iran planning to invade Iraq's Kurdistan, but both Debka and Crossfire War are reporting the buildup. According to Debka, forces 'are poised for an imminent coordinated invasion of the northern Iraqi autonomous province of Kurdistan'. If true, this would be very bad news.
******************
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Mahdisa
BLOWING UP THE SPOT!!!
WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS COURSE
LANGUAGE. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
*****************
The_Muslim_Question
Equal Opportunity Offender
Celebrates Ramadamadingdong
******************
Israel_Matzav
Identifying friends and enemies

Rise -N-Shine

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Poor old rooster!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by, He grabs his shotgun and - " BOOM " - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?
Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS.
I AM NOT YET AN OLD TIMER THOUGH :-)


@>`~~~~>,~~~
Four women were driving across the country together. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas, and Mexico. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling Potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho and I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from Her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas. "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired and excited to join in, the gal from Texas opened the car Door and pushed the Mexican out.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
When they built the old five-and-ten in our town, the "notions"
counter (old-fashioned term for buttons, threads, etc.), way in the
back, got only a modest number of customers. After a new manager was
hired, he switched counters around and put the notions counter just
before the makeup counter. Customers on their way to buy lipsticks
and rouges would often stop and pick up a card of buttons or a length
of rickrack. "Brilliant," enthused the district manager. "But how did
you come to think of it?" "Easy," the new hire replied, "I'm counter
intuitive."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

Seems that two men were overnight guests in a country home that was
so old-fashioned that it enjoyed neither electricity nor indoor
plumbing. When one of the two, feeling the call of Nature, woke up
in the middle of the night, he tried to feel his way in the pitch
dark toward the chamber pot which the host had thoughtfully provided.
Alas, he kicked the pot against the metal bedstead, making a
esounding 'clang' in the still night. Alarmed, his room mate awakened
instantly and cried, "What was that?" "Oh," replied the other, "that
was just a bit of chamber music; a knocked urn."
@>`~~~~>,~~~

An impressionable New England college girl fell in love, and dropped
out of school to live with her young man. She wrote her parents that
she had ... put the heart before the course. What had attracted her
to this romantic youth was his smoldering dark gaze, and his deep
blue irises. At first she was very happy, happier than she had ever
been in her life. Within six months, however, he abandoned her and
left her heartbroken, proving that she loved not Wellesley but two eyes



As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend
to focus too much on sports. One night last week, one of my students
called me at home, When my wife informed the kid that I wasn't home,
he became frantic and said he had to speak to me right away. My wife
told him, "Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he
gets home. What's your number?" The flustered kid replied, "Three
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
One Saturday I was running errands for my wife. I had gone to Wal-Mart and was standing in line waiting to buy a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever. A woman behind me looking at the bag, asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

@>`~~~~>,~~~
10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he
accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........ "How vas I suppose to pick dem up?

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm,
caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live
without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is
to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she
doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out
exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them
horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below
her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the
first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to
put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

@>`~~~~>,~~~
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks maybe the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your crotch before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here"


I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I
was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-
old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He
said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to
them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic."Here
is the situation," she said."A man is standing up in a boat in the
middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and
begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion,
knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she
ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all
his savings?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica."Grandpa, do you
mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In
fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What
happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam
broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the
foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out
safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"