Friday's No News Edition
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
Barbie - Boston Style...
Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
Boston-area market:
Newton Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Chestnut Hill Mall.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a
longhaired foreign dog-named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available
with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
conjunction with "augmented" version.
Revere Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she
chased her beer-gutted boyfriend Ken out of her triple-decker. Her
make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a
sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the
back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player
equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.
Lexington Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your
choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and
has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell
phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
Dorchester Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm
handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth
Lab kit. his model is available after dark and can be paid for only in
cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop...then we
don't know what you're talking about.
Brookline Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports
car or a souped-up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit
card and country club membership. Also available for this set are
Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them
anyway.
Billerica Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler
jeans two sizes too small, a Harley Davidson shirt and has a tattoo of a
Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Bud
Light and a Lynard Skynard CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick
Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup
truck separately and get its NASCAR bumper stickers absolutely free.
Nahant Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a
leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains
friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.
Cambridge Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair
and arch-less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She
prefers that you call her "Willow."
Dedham Barbie: This soccer mom Barbie comes with a Suburban or Minivan
and comes equipped with TV, VCR and DVD player and baby car seats or
boosters for the 8 kids permanently attached to the seats of the
vehicle. This toddler toting Barbie comes with cell phone, pager, palm
pilot, and dressed in gym clothes with Nike Air tennis shoes. Vehicle of
choice comes with Jesus fish and stuffed Tiger with suction cup paws to
stick on rear window. Bumper sticker for honor roll student and Chuck E
Cheese Pizza optional.
What did the leper say to the hooker after she gave him a blow job? Keep
the tip.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat Communion
wafer. It is called: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned
the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation,
i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on,
there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I've always
called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. "But that's just a
feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first. "You're right," said
another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The
fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only
one thing I call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What do you say to a man with a three-inch dick?
A: Hahahahahahahaha!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Send This Warning to Everyone on Your List!
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey
then asks you to show him your boobs... DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS! This
is a scam. He only wants to see your boobs!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Old Rabbi Wolfson was begging his board of directors to buy a new
chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat
down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier. Then
the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time
talkin' for?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we
ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody
who could even play it. And third, what we need most in the synagogue is
more light!"
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man searching for the perfect bearskin was directed into the hills
to a wild mountain man. "I want three perfect bear skins - must be
perfect, and I will pay top price to get them," he told the mountain
man. They agreed upon a price, so the two, with the wildman's dog,
set off into the hills. Soon the dog was on the trail and had a large
bear up a tall tree. The dog was going mad tearing at the bark trying
to get up the tree to the bear.
The mountain man placed his rifle down and said, "Stand back, watch
this." He started shaking the tree, the dog was in a rage. The bear
fell down and the dog promptly jumped on it and screwed it to death.
"That's incredible," said the man. "I've never seen a dog like that."
Soon the dog had another bear up a tree. Same thing again, down came
the bear and was quickly screwed to death by the dog.
"One more to go," said the mountain man and the dog was on the trail
again. Once again another bear was treed, the mountain man shook the
tree, but the bear refused to fall.
"Take my rifle," he said.
"Why?" said the man.
"I'm gonna climb that tree," said the mountain man, "and if I fall
down before that bear - shoot the dog!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
After hours of tracking, a hunter finally spotted a huge bear, took
careful aim and squeezed off a shot. At the spot where the carcass
should have been, however, he found nothing. The hunter felt a tap on
his shoulder, turned and was face to face with the bear.
"I'm sick of you guys shooting at me," the bear said. "Now drop to
your knees and blow me or I'm gonna maul your face off."
The hunter reluctantly did as he was told. A week later, he brought a
bigger gun returned to the same spot, sighted the same bear and
fired. Again, no carcass. Again a tap. "You know the routine," said
the bear. "On your knees."
Finally the frustrated hunter brought an elephant gun and went out
once more to stalk the bear. Getting the animal in his sights, he
pulled the trigger. While searching for the body, the hunter felt a
tap on his shoulder.
"Tell me the truth," the bear said with a sigh. "You're not in this
for the hunting, are you?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man and his wife were sitting in a bar. Gary
comes in and sat down next to the woman. As he
sipped his drink, Gary ogled the women until her
husband, incensed, demanded that Gary stop
looking at his wife, and that he wipe those
filthy thoughts out of his mind.
Gary said, "Hey man, I wasn't ogling your wife; I
wasn't thinking any filthy thoughts...back off
buddy....I just came in here for a piece of beer."
Two old women were sitting on a bench talking.
One asked the other: "How's your husband holding
up in bed these days?"
The second old woman replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise
bike."
"How's that?"
"He climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never get anywhere."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Don's wife had recently died and she was being
buried. Don was sobbing and was being consoled by
his friends. "Don't worry Don, in five or six
months you may meet a beautiful lady who will
make you happy."
"I know, I know," says Don, "But what am I gonna do tonight?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
To all employees who work overtime:
Oh husband, oh husband, I tremble with fear,
You've been on overtime almost a year!
And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool,
working this overtime is wasting your tool.
Far better it is to be poor all your life
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.
Oh husband, dear husband, now don't get me wrong,
The money is good, but so was your dong.
You came home from work just able to creep;
I feel like screwing! But you want to sleep.
Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed;
Your intentions are good, but your pecker is dead.
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry;
I get so damned mad! I could lay down and cry.
I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes;
I have played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise.
For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon and never has been;
And that is a man who's so foolish and mean
That he gives up Fucking to run a machine!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A well-known N.F.L. quarterback went into a local bar and soon set
his sights on a striking young woman. He boasted of his passing
statistics, his running ability and his superb physical condition.
Finally persuading her to go back to his hotel room, he crowed "You,
young lady, are about to see what two hundred and fifteen pounds
dynamite looks like."
In the room, he got her a drink, then excused himself. "When I come
back, honey, you're going to see two hundred and fifteen pounds of
dynamite."
As he emerged from the bathroom stark naked, the woman jumped to her
feet and ran out the door, screaming hysterically.
A security guard heard the commotion and came running. "What's the
matter, miss?" he asked.
"Back in the room six ninety-one," she gasped, "There's two hundred
and fifteen pounds of dynamite with a two inch fuse!"
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
------
Q: Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?
A: The rear admiral.
------
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
------
Q: Why did God give politicians one more brain cell than horses?
A: So they don't poop in the 4th of July parade.
------
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
------
Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a
hillbilly funeral?
A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.
posted by lilfeathers2000 at 7:05 PM
