Remember Me

The following is the hottest thing on the internet and on Fox News today. Lizzie Palmer who put this YouTube program together is 15 years old. There have been over 3,000,000 hits as of this morning. In case you missed it, here it is.

I made another U.S. Armed Forces video. I figured it was about time. =)


ATTENTION! I apologize for any inconvenience, but I have been receiving way too many negative comments and people arguing with and insulting each other in comments on this video. After a lot of hard thought, I have decided to disable comments on my video. I may or may not turn them back on again, we'll have to see. Again, I'm sorry, but you can thank the people who decided to turn this into a debate forum. Thank you for your time, and I apologize again to those of you who didn't do anything wrong.
Thanks,
Lizzie Palmer
Views: 9,646,282 Comments: 5959 Favorited: 5419 times

Trivia

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

Since we've known each other for such a long time,

I decided to share something personal with you.



A picture of me in the shower.



- scroll down -

- go on -

You know you want to........



V



V



V



V

Good Day

Just click on "A Think Test" below:

A Think Test




Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to keep thepilot and passengers cool.What, you don't believe this?If it stops, watch them start to sweat.

~~~~~~~~~

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~

smile

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost .. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.



You did notice the size of the print.


~~~~~~~~~
Why NOTHING is Better Than Sex.

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.

2. Nothing is free.

3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.

4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.

5. It's perfectly all right to look bored while you do nothing.

6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.

7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!

8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.

9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.

10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.

11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.

12. Men and women ge nerally take the same amount of time to do nothing.

13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.

14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.

15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).

16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.

17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.

18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.

19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.

20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

Huh?

Rant from the Rocking Chair.

I sat here today listening to President Bush give his speech or whatever its called to the press and the U.S.
I was disappointed to say the least. I am disappointed that he believes I am stupid enough to buy into the immigration crap he is peddling. I am sick and damn tired of hearing the

DEMONRATS AND RUNNYPUBLICANS

EVEN SPEAK.

To the elected officials of this nation submit your resignations and go the hell back to whatever place you came from.

To the American people vote vote vote. Vote every damn one of these idiots out of office. Do not vote in another attorney.

EVER EVER EVER.

Term Limits

Term Limits

Term Limits

Term Limits

Term Limits

These people that have been elected to office have no clue what is good for this country. They have no idea how to fight a war. Nor do they intend to go the extra mile and find out. Lets talk about what is good and not good for you and me.

The DEMONRATS TOOK AWAY TAX CUTS.

Was that good. Ya liking that now? Hiking those taxes. How much are you paying at the gas pump for gas and how much are ya paying in taxes?
Oh yea that little ole place called the grocery store. Ya likin those prices? Are ya? As each item goes up, up goes the taxes on that item.
Thanks Nancy you and your gang have helped us all out.

Those folks that are taking jobs Americans won't take. Anyone buying that load of horseshit? The jobs they don't seem to be taking around here are Union jobs which are rare.

The rest of the jobs are going to them. Hell there are local places such as refineries and power plants that hire contractors that have all immigrant crews for you mr. bush that would be illegal immigrants with real looking papers. These people are not making less than our citizens. They earn the same. they pay very little in taxes and mail it all home to support their nation. Mexico's top way of supporting it's self is sending its citizcens to our country to send money home..
I know American citizens that would love to have those jobs.

But hey lets all kow-tow the the government and the stupid ideas cranking out of the beltway. I For one say if they have had one trip to Washington D.C. with our tax dollars paying their way. Send their asses home and find someone that lives in the real world to send to D.C.
Lets have those pesky term limits to limit the lobby groups that are getting their way and not our way!!!

Pages to Look at

http://www.marines.com/page/usmc.jsp?flashRedirect=true

http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm

Gumps_Support_Our_Troops-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

http://www.myspace.com/forrestgumpy

Top This

+---- Bizarre Inventions ----+

1. The Tonya Tapper - A personal security steel club named
After the notorious skater; suitable for all knee whack-
Ing purposes.

2. Sweet Jesus Chocolate - Tasty milk chocolate crucifix
Candies that ooze red jelly when bitten.

3. Insecticide Pantyhose - Bug resistant pantyhose sure to
Repel spiders, cockroaches, [and probably dates.]

4. Artificial Spray-On Dirt - For the yuppie whose tired of
Looking wuss in his luxury S.U.V. This is sure to provide
That rugged four-wheeling look.

5. Drive-Through Window at Funeral Homes - For the more
Somber drive-by.

6. .45 Semiautomatic Telephone - A novelty phone sure to
Please the darkest sense of humor. The caller must hold
The gun against their head to make a call; let the fun
Begin.

7. Bird Diaper - For Polly when potty training is not an
Option.

8. Snif-T-Panties - Women's underwear with built in
Fragrance to capture the right mood; scents include
Rose, banana, pickles, pizza and, of course, whiskey.

giggles

A new world's record in the high jump
from a kneeling position
was set yesterday at a beach
on the coast of Australia.

The picture below was taken just a few seconds
before the jump took place . . .

~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~


Spot the difference.









Carla was well into her seventies when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.

After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.

"Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."

"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away.

When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her eighty-two-year-old husband, and screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
<TrainsMeet>Watch the signal turn from red over green to red over red as the approaching train runs the signal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pet News

Here we go again folks............Or is it a copy cat??.Guess we will see.

http://www.itchmo.com/

War? What War on Terror?

From the Smoking Gun

TheSmokingGun

Have a Great Day Friends.

HOW TO BE ANNOYING:

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the
entry for alt.sex.fetish. hamster.duct- tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with
Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic- cyrillic- landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on
all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/ UFO/OJ
Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador" .

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb
Chops?)

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what
YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back
in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect
a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme
song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand hat people
pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatata ta-suhWING- batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble
their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people
with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.








Heather meets up with her [blonde] sister Karen as she is picking her
car up from the mechanic. Heather asks,

"Everything ok with your car now, Karen?"

Karen replies,

"Yeah, thank goodness! I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker
fluid."

------------

Harry and Molly had been married for many years but now were in divorce
court.

The judge asked,

"Harry, is it true that in the last three years of your marriage, you
did not speak to Molly?"

Harry replies,

"Yes, Judge, that would be correct."

"And just how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires.

Harry replies,

"Well, I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor."

----------

Two of the secretaries at the high school where I taught for many years
had a morning break together and it was their practice to share sweets
and coffee daily in the teachers' room. One day one would bring
something to share and the next day the other would bring something to
share.

Frequently a male teacher would pass through while the ladies were
taking their morning break. He would see their goodies on the table and
say something like.

"Oh, doughnuts!"

Then he would help himself and keep right on going into the copy room.
This practice of his grated on their nerves since he was never offered
anything, never contributed, or even asked if he could help himself.

So one day after they had taken all of this they could, they took a
doughnut that was filled with custard, squeezed out the custard and
replaced it with mustard. That day the male teacher came in helped
himself to the only doughnut left on the plate and kept on walking. He
never said one word about the mustard, but he never did come in again
while the secretaries were taking their break.

---------

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the
pre-school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way
to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his
clerical clothes and asked,

"Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then
the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked,

"Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab
looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the
boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the
name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,

"Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering
intently at the letters he said,

"Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

----------

Q. Why did the cowboy take hay with him to bed?

A To feed his nightmares.



WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6
), searching
For sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a
plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: BOCA TECA
Recent widow - have just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone
To round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a
problem.

SERENITY NOW: CENTURY VILLAGE - LYONS ROAD
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If
you are
The silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy
quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: TAMARAC
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share
rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights
and still still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and
listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
Including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks
well

chuckles

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple was attending church services-- about halfway through she
leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart-what do
you think I should do?" He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill and Harry were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track
when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately. Harry
immediately threw his rod down and started running through the woods
like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile Harry stopped and stooped over with his hands on
his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to
him...
"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, Harry pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid
fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box
of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied Harry, "But my friend Willy back there, well, he
doesn't have one..."

(r)ated

One day, Little Johnny came home from school. He went into
the house and found no one around, which he thought was
strange because his parent's car and his grandparent'
s car
was in the driveway. He searches all over the house. Finally
he went upstairs to his parent's room and opened the door.
There was his Dad and Mom making out.

"What are you doing, Dad?" Little Johnny asked.

"Playing poker son and your mom's my wild card. Leave us
alone, go find Grandpa and Grandma."

Off Little Johnny goes to the next bedroom and there are
grandma and grandpa having sex.

"What are you doing Grandpa?" little Johnny asked.

"Playing poker and Grandma's my wild card."

So little Johnny leaves the room. A few hours go by and it's
time for dinner, but nobody can find little Johnny. Dad goes
up to his bedroom and finds him masturbating.

"What are you doing?" Dad asks.

"Playing poker, Dad," Little Johnny said.

"Well, where's your wild card?" asked Dad.

Little Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, I don't need
a wild card!"
--------- ----
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she
left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your
side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing
his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's
good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's
strange. He normally sleeps during your class."

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square
thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old
boyfriend's?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay
Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in- a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of
Painful Delights?

When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help
with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local
adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island"
at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot
of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own
stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial
Strength?"
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
~~~~~~~~~
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his
two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well,
guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a
contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the
loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and
said, "The loser gets to give it."




Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room. ! 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to
understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?? 6
months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6
years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
bed, I can stay up by myself.
~~~~~~~~~ ~

THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."



A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli
casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in
a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the
woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about
it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
~~~~~~~~~
Weaker Sex

Q:- Why are female humans considered as a weaker sex...?
A:- Only male humans consider female humans to be the weaker sex...in
ACTUAL fact, females are the superior sex ....just take a look at wild
animals, say, lions....the lioness does the hunting whilst the lion just
stupidly eats and mates...

Q:- Why do ladies, in general, wear make-up...?
A:- Because we girls know that in this society, we should never reveal
our true selves to strangers... only loved ones get to see our real
faces

Q:- Why is it that only ladies can get pregnant and not men..?
A:- Children are naturally close to mothers rather than fathers cos the
women are the ones who give birth to them.... And the future lies in the
hands of these children who are directly *controlled* by their
mothers....So what do we have ? A future directed by WOMEN !!

Q:- Why do ladies like to keep long fingernails in general...?
A:- What a stupidly biased question (by a MAN, of course)... Why do men
like to keep moustaches ..?

Q:- Why are ladies more fuss than guys...?
A:- God wanna punish guys.

Q:- Why do we see that gals often dresses in guys dressing like pants,
etc and not visa-versa.. ?
A:- Because we gals are not afraid to try anything, unlike the other
sex!

Q:- Why do guys gives flowers to their girlfriends. ...?
A:- Because guys are too cheap to give their girlfriends diamonds or
even cold hard cash.... and the worse thing is that some may foolishly
believe the florist's claim that flowers are supposedly romantic !

Q:- Why do ladies usually cry during a wedding...?
A:- Cos she suddenly realized that she's stuck with the jerk beside her
for the next 50 years or so..... Boo ! Hoo ! Hoo !

Q:- What's the greatest mistake a guy could ever make..?.
A:- Asking a lady all the above questions!
~~~~~~~~~ ~
Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.

Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.

Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.

A man is like a video, forward backward, forward, backward, stop, eject

Men are like whales No brain and all their strength in the tail

Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!

Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.

giggles

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our
church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel,
the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an
emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the
good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that
he would be able to do the story time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed
lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the
sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off
and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were
the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic
gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the
sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating
himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus,
Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy,
"Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug "I guess
you must be a sheep dog."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains
were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use
the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box
and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A. A sex-change operation.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. Q. How
do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time
they see a bikini. Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A.
Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end
of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? A. Big
Foot's been spotted a several times. Q. What's the smartest thing a man
can say? A. "My wife says..." Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease? A.
Because they're all pigs. Q. Why do men like smart women? A. Opposites
attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger
make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.




A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks
to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for
Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the
co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first Class who
belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that she
Only paid for Economy and she will have to leave and return to her
seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Houston and I'm staying right here.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably
should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The Pilot says, 'You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this.
I'm married to a blonde. I speak Blonde.'
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and
She says, 'Oh, I'm sorry.' And she gets up and goes back to her seat
in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather
than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped
to ask a question.
"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
course you have here" he said to St. Peter.
"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.
"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't
see it, then I'm not coming in!"
"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked and
saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him
sick to his stomach.
"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing
on that course!"
Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over
here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and
he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"
"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."
St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the
gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I
can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with
laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."

Hobby

Well Boys and Girls I have a new hobby. I have often wondered what exactly goes on in my yard at night. Hubby fixed me up with some cameras and wala. I am now able to moniter my nocturnal guests when I want.
Okay so I need a life you say... Well I kinda like the one I have. I love wathcing wildlife and with the gizmo known in the hunting world as a trail camera. I can now view it from the comfort of my puter what will they think of next. The next few pics are just a few of the hundreds of pictures I have captured. Man who knew there were that many critters around my house.
Caption them yourselves.

and last but not least I caught Fred and Wilma in a little hanky panky.

laugh time

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed
up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and
telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy
of service which I had not previously considered possible, as
well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can
either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that
you can have some entertaining reading material as you while
away the working day smoking B&Hs and drinking vendor-coffee
on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or
notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on
my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.
When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful websites. How? I alleviated the boredom to some
small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly
adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks) my modem arrived - a total of six weeks after I
had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is
roughly 35%.
These are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I
have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line
this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety
of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether
or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that
I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman) and several other variations
on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have
at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore,
and also another one of those crucially important testicle
moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer
to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your
unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I
used to think that BT (British Telecom) were shit, that they
had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer
relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers.
That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly
are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers
though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in
the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any
such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cat's litter tray, as an statement of my utter and complete
contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting,
and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL,
and it's worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short
life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful

bunch of twats.

Psychotically yours,


Weaker Sex

Q:- Why are female humans considered as a weaker sex...?
A:- Only male humans consider female humans to be the weaker sex...in
ACTUAL fact, females are the superior sex ....just take a look at wild
animals, say, lions....the lioness does the hunting whilst the lion just
stupidly eats and mates...

Q:- Why do ladies, in general, wear make-up...?
A:- Because we girls know that in this society, we should never reveal
our true selves to strangers... only loved ones get to see our real
faces

Q:- Why is it that only ladies can get pregnant and not men..?
A:- Children are naturally close to mothers rather than fathers cos the
women are the ones who give birth to them.... And the future lies in the
hands of these children who are directly *controlled* by their
mothers....So what do we have ? A future directed by WOMEN !!

Q:- Why do ladies like to keep long fingernails in general...?
A:- What a stupidly biased question (by a MAN, of course)... Why do men
like to keep moustaches ..?

Q:- Why are ladies more fuss than guys...?
A:- God wanna punish guys.

Q:- Why do we see that gals often dresses in guys dressing like pants,
etc and not visa-versa.. ?
A:- Because we gals are not afraid to try anything, unlike the other
sex!

Q:- Why do guys gives flowers to their girlfriends. ...?
A:- Because guys are too cheap to give their girlfriends diamonds or
even cold hard cash.... and the worse thing is that some may foolishly
believe the florist's claim that flowers are supposedly romantic !

Q:- Why do ladies usually cry during a wedding...?
A:- Cos she suddenly realized that she's stuck with the jerk beside her
for the next 50 years or so..... Boo ! Hoo ! Hoo !

Q:- What's the greatest mistake a guy could ever make..?.
A:- Asking a lady all the above questions!
~~~~~~~~~ ~
Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.

Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.

Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.

A man is like a video, forward backward, forward, backward, stop, eject

Men are like whales No brain and all their strength in the tail

Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!

Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.
~~~~~~~~~
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living
room. ! 6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against
you. 6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again. 6 years : What's not to
understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?? 6
months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane? 6
years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to
bed, I can stay up by myself.
~~~~~~~~~ ~

THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
~~~~~~~~~